a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You may now shotgun with the bride
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
