he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
3pm strippers are depressing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
