Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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