Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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