Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
