just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
