I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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