when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
