dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
