I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
