what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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