while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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