wakey wakey hands off snakey
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
