I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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