dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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