I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
