This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
