i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
