I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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