im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
