If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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