Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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