The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
