The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
