our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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