Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
