I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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