You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
