just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
