We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
