mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
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I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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