She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
