the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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