I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
