Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
