so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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