I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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