I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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