Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
