Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
