i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
