Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
