So drunk its hurt
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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