Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My feet surprised me
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