Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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