I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
