Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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