the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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