i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How external is "for external use only"?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
