There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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