I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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