please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
