he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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