Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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