Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
