I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Who died my cat blue again?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
