You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
