I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
that is very illegal...i love you.
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