if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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