Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
