I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
