My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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