Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
