I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
